There I was, sitting in a restaurant, with 8 other people, minding my own business and having a good time when that song came on. Ya know the one that turns your heart inside out. The one that turns your life into this emotional flashback. Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer is THAT song for me. I was supposed to walk down the isle to that song. He would randomly sing that song in the middle of the grocery store, the car, anywhere. How can a song have so much power over me? How can I be just fine one moment and then missing my ex-husband to the point where I am crying in a bathroom stall? Do I really miss him? Do I just miss the idea of him? The memory of him? The idea of who I thought he was?
Do I miss the idea of him?
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I think I miss the idea of the future I had planned. We were about to have our second child; our son. Family of four. Going on road trips in an RV. Trips to see family. Raising our babies together. Then in an instant that was taken away. Everything… changed.
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Do I miss who I thought he was?
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Yes. But who I thought he was doesn’t exist anymore. At least not in my world. The man I thought he was is now playing family with someone else. I have learned to accept that he has changed. That his feelings for me have changed. I have learned to accept that I wasn’t the wife he wanted. So yes I miss who I thought he was. But I have learned how to live without him.
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Do I miss the memory of him?
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Of course. The memory of the man I married… he loved me. At least I think he did. At one point he told me he never did. Should I believe him? Should I hold on to the fragments of good that I still carry in my head and on my heart? Or should I let them go along with him? He helped shape who I am today. He helped me understand God and the bible. And for that I will be forever grateful. Or should I hold on to the words he has spoken to me since the split? Should allow his change to alter my view of him? I struggle with that daily. As a Christian, I am suppose to love everyone, but there are days where all I want to do is hate him and every memory that he lurks in.
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Do I really miss him?
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No. Plain and simple. No. The person he is now; the one who can’t look at me; the one who wanted out of our marriage; the one who broke my heart. No, I do not miss him. He is not the person I married. The man I married; he didn’t believe in divorce. He had faith that was bigger than his pride. It could move mountains. The man I married; he and I had priorities that lined up with each others. But people change. Plain and simple. It has taken me soooo much time to actually be able to call it “simple”. Change sure as hell doesn’t feel simple. It can fucking suck… but it doesn’t always have to.
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Missing my ex-husband, in any sense of the expression, truly only means one thing; he broke my heart. He inflicted a wound that he vowed to never inflict. I allowed him to make a home in my heart and he burnt it down. But I have learned that being able to rebuild from ashes; from almost nothing, has the potential to make me stronger than I have ever been. I can rebuild using fragments of my brokenness to build a stronger foundation. I can rid myself of the weaker parts and allow space for newer and greater things. Allowing myself to do so may open myself up to the pain of my reality, but I am choosing to grow from that pain. My reality is constantly changing. I am just picking and choosing what I want my reality to be. Do I want to feel pain by missing someone who doesn’t miss me? Hell no. So I choose not to. Do I want to mourn over the ashes of a lost future; a lost love? Not any more. I want to learn from it. Grow from it. My new reality will allow myself to change in a way that will benefit my new future.
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“In order to rise from its own ashes a phoenix first must burn.” — Octavia E. Butler, Parable of the Talents
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